1. Get Unstuck
          How to Spot the Conversations That Are Keeping You From What You Want

The Law of Crucial Conversations
Anytime you find yourself stuck, there are crucial conversations keeping you there.  Identify the crucial conversations that you’re not holding or not holding well, figure out where you’re going wrong, fix it, and get better at everything.

Use Three Skills to Get Unstuck:
1.  Identify where you’re stuck
2.  Backtrack from poor results to the crucial conversation that is keeping you stuck
3.  Step out of the content, observe the process, and fix it.

2.  Start With Heart
          How to Stay Focused on What You Really Want

Work on Me First
The first step to change starts with a change in heart – which begins when you admit that you’re t he person you should be trying to improve

Focus on what you really want.
As you fall from dialogue, stop and ask yourself what you’re acting like you want and then focus on what you really want – for yourself, for others, and for the relationship.  Finally, behave as if you really do want those things.

Refuse the sucker’s choice
Move from “or” thinking to “and” thinking.  Don’t choose between honesty and kindness, etc.  Think of what you want to achieve and what you want to avoid, and ask, “I wonder how I can achieve ________ and avoid _______?

3.  Learn to Look
          How To Notice When Safety Is At Risk

Learn to Look For:
1.  When a conversation becomes crucial.  Watch for the signs that a conversation is turning crucial.  Remember, the sooner you catch problems, the sooner you can return to dialogue and the less severe the damage.
2.  Silence and Violence.   When people feel unsafe, they typically move to silence or violence.  Those who are best at dialogue interpret silence or violence as evidence that others are feeling unsafe and then do what it takes to make it safe.
3.  Your own Style Under Stress.  With what person or situation are you most likely to go to silence?  To violence?  Which form of silence or violence do you go to most often?  When are you likely to stay in healthy dialogue?

4.  Make it Safe
         How to make it safe to talk about almost anything

When it comes to crucial conversations, you can’t be too candid.  Candor   doesn’t make a conversation work or not work; safety does

Step out of the content
As long as people feel unsafe, staying in the content makes no sense.  Open dialogue will get destroyed as people either attack or hide.  So when safety turns south, step out of the content.

Diagnose the cause
The two conditions of safety are Mutual Purpose and Mutual Respect.  Are people at cross-purposes, offended, or both?

Restore safety:  Tools Include:

5.  Make It Safe II
          How to Create Mutual Purpose

Commit to seek Mutual Purpose
Start with heart.  Commit to search for a goal that will benefit both of you.  This soothes fears and rebuilds safety.

Recognize the purpose behind the strategy
What you want and what you’re asking for are often two different things.  One is your purpose; the other is your strategy for achieving it.  Recognize the difference.

Invent a Mutual Purpose
Don’t settle for a compromise.  Move to a different (often more creative) or higher and more encompassing goals.

Brainstorm new strategies
Once you’ve found a Mutual Purpose, brainstorm mutually satisfactory strategies.

6.  Master My Stories I
          How to Stay in Dialogue When You’re Angry, Scared, or Hurt

Others don’t make you mad.
You make you mad.  You see and hear something, and then you tell yourself s story.  That story causes your feelings.  You can either act on those feelings or have them act on you.

Retrace Your Path
Manage your emotions by retracing your Path to Action.  Return to the source of your feelings.

Separate facts from stories
Facts are tings we can see and hear.  Stories are judgments and conclusions that can cause us to move to silence or violence.

Watch for three clever stories
Victim, Villain, and Helpless Stories propel our emotions and help us justify our behavior.  They also keep us from the results we want.

7.  Master My Stories II
       How to Master Emotions and Return to Dialogue

TELL THE REST OF THE STORY……
To break away from your volatile emotions, rethink your stories.  Tell the rest of the story.  New stories create new feelings and support new and healthier actions.

Turn yourself from a victim into an actor
Ask yourself “Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?”

Turn others form villains into humans
Ask yourself “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this?”

Turn yourself from helpless into able
Ask yourself, “What should I do right now to move toward what I really want?”

8.  STATE My Path
       How to speak Persuasively, Not Abrasively

The irony
When we’re committed to adding our thoughts to the pool and when we care the most about our point of view, we often do our worst.  With sensitive topics we tend to jump right in with our ugly stories; with controversial views we push hard, overstate our facts, and use debate tactics.  In either case, others become defensive.

STATE My Path
To express your views in a way that makes it safe for others to hear them (and even disagree), share your path the way you experienced it -- from observations to actions.  If you start with the facts and are tentative in encouraging others’ points of view, you can be both totally candid and respectful.

Share your facts
Tell your story
Ask for others’ paths
Talk tentatively
Encourage testing

9.  Explore Others’ Paths
       How to Listen When Others Blow Up or Clam Up

When others move to silence or violence, we need to encourage them to retrace their Path to Action to its source.  When others are sharing feelings or acting inappropriately, it’s our job to make it safe for them to share their facts.

Use AMPP to explore others’ paths
Each of these four exploring skills helps build safety and encourages others to retrace their Path to Action to its source.

Ask to get things rolling
Mirror to confirm feelings
Paraphrase to acknowledge the story
Prime when you’re getting nowhere

10.  Move to Action
       How to Turn Crucial Conversations into Action and Results

There are two steps the most influential people take at the end of a crucial conversation that help them move to action and results rather than violated expectations and déjà vu dialogues.

Decide how to decide
Decide up front which form of decision making you’ll be using.

COMMAND – It’s already been decided
CONSULT – Everyone gives input; a subset decides
VOTE – Majority rules
CONSENSUS – Everyone must agree.

With effective teams, many decisions are made by command (they come from customers, competitors, policy, etc.), some by consulting or voting, and only a very few by consensus.

Agree on WWWF
Document WHO will do WHAT by WHEN and what FOLLOW-UP action will be taken.  Then follow-up.